I Had No Other Choice
Alexandra Delis-Abrams, Ph.D.
Do you find it difficult to express feelings? Does your
child? Understanding and expressing how we feel is the preface to
learning how to make quality choices—a learned skill. Without the early
opportunity to explore who we are, and find acceptance
from those we trust, there are few coping tools in place to insure right choice
or action. We have no method for
releasing guilt and shame, no anger management skills, and no personal
accountability or social responsibility.
Given the right tools, we are able to accept personal responsibility; we
have solid conflict resolution skills; we live with balanced self-esteem, and
understand how to cope with our occasional feelings of anger or
loneliness. We know we have control over
our lives, and that we can change our beliefs and subsequent choices.
“I had no other choice. Oh God. I had to. I couldn’t do anything else.” These were the
words of 15 year-old Kip Kinkel in May 1998, after
being arrested for murdering his parents, driving to
How would you describe a person who
believed he had no choice? Helpless? Hopeless? Alone? Scared?
Confused? Sad? Desperate? Out of control? All of
these might fit young Kip Kinkel who is currently
serving a term of 111 years in prison, without parole.
In Kip’s
journal he had written, “There is one kid above all others that I want to kill……The one reason I don’t; hope that tomorrow will be
better. As soon as my hope is gone,
people die.” Obviously, Kip felt hopeless and powerless that spring day as he
chose a course of action that would determine his future and the future of all
those he had known.
The perplexing questions many asked
as our nation experienced the confusion and anguish from such deep wounds—why?
What went wrong? We tend to look at issues like Kip’s
interest in guns, his association with a rough group of kids, his lack of
ability to share feelings with his father out of fear he would get angry, or
his inability to bond with him. In seeking solutions for a child or entire family, a quick fix
might be to prescribe a new drug, but shouldn’t we be looking more deeply?
Perhaps we should delve into the precursors to making a choice, probe the
events of early childhood, investigate the nursery that cared for the child, or
even the time of gestation. What did the
child absorb through his environment? What beliefs did he have that influenced
the choice? How did he come to believe as he did? And, what role does
the parent play in this process?
We now know that the unborn child is
aware, can see, hear, experience, taste, learn AND feel. The fetus is reactive to the
environment. This is
the foundation on which all learning, memory, health and well-being are based. In a powerfully written and researched book, Ghosts
from the Nursery, the authors Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith S. Wiley write,
“From the time of late gestation and birth, we begin to develop a template of expectations
about ourselves and other people, anticipating responsiveness or indifference,
success or failure. This is when the
foundation of who we become and how we relate to others and to the world around
us is built.” Recent brain research is now validating this compelling message.
Through my
own research over the years, I can substantiate without exception, every
client’s issues originate from early childhood, and often in utero. They
originate from early experience and become the filter through which the
individual perceives life. They become
the foundation of a belief system and later developed character. What messages did young Kip inherit that
contributed to the molding of the pathways of neurons in his brain that led him
on a self-destructive course? What beliefs were absorbed during the first 33
months of his life? Why was he tearful when discussing his relationship with
his father during therapy? “He sees me as a bad kid with bad habits.” He told
his therapist his father expects the worst from him. Why was Kip’s
father absent from the three months of counseling?
Kip’s choices led him to the cell he
sleeps in every night. Others with
painful childhood experiences have made other choices, and while they might not appear to be as horrendous, their choices
will make or break their potential for happiness in life. One example is Anthony Godby
Johnson, who was continuously subjected to physical
and sexual abuse by his parents. Among
other things, they withheld food, a bed for him to sleep in, a coat to wear and
a toothbrush. From his
book, A Rock and a Hard Place, Tony writes, “By the time I was five, I
realized that I was alone in this world and that it was up to me to see to my
own survival. . .I would do whatever it took. . .At the top of my list of
wonderful things I wanted to have happen was, ‘get hugs and kisses like
everyone else’.”
We really are all the same—the need
to be loved and to love is the thread that runs
through the pearls of humanity. Tony had
an exceptional experience with education and made the choice to persevere. His case demonstrates that it is never too
late to learn new beliefs or too late to make new choices for your future. He was awakened to
the possibility of his own potential and a life he could create for himself. “. . . my own
creativity had a great deal to do with the way I handled pain and
vulnerability.” He claimed teachers
provided him with the hope of knowing he had the luxury of claiming his mind as
his own.
The power of choice is demonstrated through one more example, originating in May
1944, when a 15 year-old girl, Eva Geiringer, was
arrested with her family and sent to
By her example!
What a message for us. Parents,
what kind of example are you setting for your child?
To be that example, we must examine our belief systems. Beliefs are acquired
through our environment. They become the
basis of our philosophy, our attitude and our character. Whether or not the belief is founded in
reality doesn’t matter. In our personal reality, it is truth. Either of the following beliefs can be chosen:
“Being born a girl (instead of a boy)
deprived me of feeling full loved.” Or “My birth was a reason for happiness.”
“Showing my feelings makes me
vulnerable.” Or “When I share my feelings, my heart
opens and I bond with people.”
Keep in mind that beliefs determine
attitudes about self-image and about life.
An attitude is a state of mind—a point of view—a way of seeing things—a
context in which to hold content. It’s not the circumstances, but what we become as a result
that demonstrates our beliefs and attitude.
Victor Frankel’s words to the Nazis as they took his wedding ring were,
“You can take my ring, but you can’t take away from me the attitude I have
about your actions.” What a powerful and influential statement about his
beliefs and strength of character.
We have a choice.
“I’m a loser” or “I’m a winner”
“I can’t do anything good enough” or
“There isn’t anything I can’t do.”
It is our choice what to believe. The
beliefs we choose today become the foundation of our future choices. One choice can generate an upward soaring
energy, while the opposite can plummet an individual
down to the depths of depression and hopelessness.
If the outcome of life is the result
of our power of choice, do we teach this fundamental principle to our children?
Do we offer them opportunities to choose, even at a young age? A young
progressive mother shared with me what she said to her six
year-old son when his older brother intimidated him. “Are you going to allow your brother’s anger
and bad mood to affect your heart? The choice is up to you.” The child
responded favorably. She continued to
tell me that her 12 year-old son’s choice for freedom, e.g. going to the skate
park, a movie, or visiting friends, is dependent upon his chosen behavior.
Attitudes, beliefs and choices – the
ABC’s are there for us, as parents, educators, friends and
families, to explore and examine. Do our
beliefs serve or sabotage us? When we take responsibility for them, realize
their influence on our children, and are willing to make changes, our children
will grow up with tools that provide them with healthy self-worth,
self-reliance and empowerment.
Parents are the primary relationship
for their children. When there is no
early bonding, the world can look like a scary place. When there is nurturing, acceptance,
unconditional love and the child feels it, the choices the child will
demonstrate character in behaviors like trustworthiness, respect, fairness,
responsibility, caring and citizenship.
The result is a generation of maturing children committed to truth and
clarity that will shift the paradigm from which life is
currently viewed--a world of separateness, blame and hatred--to one of
unity, responsibility and love.
If you would like more information about
If you are eager to change your life, visit the Attitude Doc at http://www.theattitudedoc.com. Free teleclasses,
downloadable courses, and products that will enhance your everyday life. Join Us!
References:
Rock and a Hard Place, Anthony Godby Johnson, Penguin Group, 1994
Eva’s Story, Eva Schloss,
Castle-Kent, 199
Ghosts from the Nursery, Robin
Karr-Morse and Meredith S. Wiley,
Atlantic Monthly Press, 1997